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6 daily habits to live a productive, post-apocalyptic life
Each new year comes with a new set of goals and expectations, and this year, expect for life as we know it to end.
BREAKING: ISIS bricking it over USA Freedom Girls’ performance
RAQQA, SYRIA— Like many Americans who first viewed Trump’s campaign as a practical joke, ISIS declared this morning that they are absolutely shitting themselves after the release of The Official Donald Trump Jam, performed by the so-called USA Freedom Girls.
Clowns concerned right to water-squirt flowers under attack by new executive order
DALLAS, TX— Holding up balloon animal donkeys and popping them with a pin, clowns across the country are worried that their right to water-squirt flowers are being threatened by the Obama administration’s new executive order.
Mime concerned there’s bad stuff going on in this country and no one’s talking about it
LOS ANGELES, CA— Wiping fake tears from his eyes and holding his index finger up to his lips, 35 year old mime Jacques Benoit is concerned that there’s some seriously bad stuff going on in this country and people aren’t talking about it.
Man realises mid rant that he’s overreacting, backtracks, and plays it cool
LONDON, UNITED KINGDOM— Suddenly aware of the disapproving looks on his friends’ faces, 32 year old Jazz enthusiast Michael Downing realised mid rant on the pop industry that he was completely overreacting, backtracked, and played it cool.
“I love the rain!” says car owner from climate where it doesn’t rain
PALO ALTO, CA— A self-declared pluviophile, 26 year old Susie Thompson says she enjoys nothing more than the tranquil serenity of a rainy day from the comfort of her dry, heated car in a climate where it very rarely rains.
Area Man’s new year’s resolution to live everyday as if it’s his first
NEW YORK, NY— Waking up each morning covered in his own filth, 20 year-old Jonah Winger’s new year’s resolution is to live everyday as if it is his first.
Inspirational tales of procrastinators who got incredible marks, well, given the circumstances, at least
Everyone has a friend who seems to do shockingly well in school, I mean, considering the amount of effort they put in.
"Absolute legend" forces struggling single father to clean puke out of cab
COVENTRY, UNITED KINGDOM— Sources confirm that 2nd year Politics student and local legend Eddie Winchester went on a complete bender last Friday night, culminating in him throwing up in a taxi.